How to Help a Grieving Loved One

I know this isn't the most pleasant subject to think about, but I feel it's important to discuss nonetheless.

When I lost Jewel 6 months ago, I was heartbroken.  I've kept the circumstances of her last few weeks mostly to myself because it's simply too painful to talk about - even six months after the fact.  There will always be a kitty-shaped hole in my heart for Jewel.  It brings me comfort to know that I will see her again, but I miss her terribly and still cry over her often.

Losing a furry companion animal can be just as hard, if not harder, than losing a close friend or family member.  I don't think anything can prepare us for the loss, but there are a lot of things you can do to help a loved one who's grieving the loss of her fur baby.

Understand Grief: Grief is complicated, but the more you understand it, the better you can support a grieving loved one.  During grief, your loved one will experience intense emotions, such as anger, guilt, and depression.  Your loved one may lash out at you, blame himself for his pet's death, cry for hours, or obsess about what he could have done differently.  These are all normal reactions.  Do not take it personally if your loved one lashes out at you; he is hurting immensely at this time.  

Remember that there is no set timetable for grieving.  According to Helpguide, many people grieve for 18-24 months, but others may grieve for a longer or shorter time.  

Listen: It's often hard to know what to say to a loved one who's just lost a precious fur baby.  You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing or of making the situation worse.  However, oftentimes just being there to listen is tremendously helpful.  

Offer your support to your loved one, and let her know that you are available to talk with her about her pet, the pet's death, and her feelings.  Grieving individuals often feel isolated, so ensure that your loved one knows that you are there to support her by asking her how she's feeling.  Don't be afraid to talk about your own feelings related to the loss.  Share memories of the lost pet.

Some people need to tell the story of how their pet died over and over in detail.  Allow your loved one to tell her story as many times as she needs to; retelling the story is therapeutic.  Remember not to judge or criticize your loved one for her emotions or reactions.  

If your loved one doesn't feel like talking, that's okay, too.  Just being near her will bring her some comfort, knowing that she isn't alone.  

A Few Statements to Avoid: It's okay not to know what to say to someone who is grieving, but you may want to avoid certain statements.  Some examples include:

• "I know how you feel."  We can never truly know how another person feels, even if we've gone through a similar situation.  Instead of saying, "I know how you feel," try asking how your loved one feels.  You might even talk about how you felt in a similar situation, but don't compare your grief to your loved one's or take the focus off of her.
• "Be thankful for what you have."  This statement invalidates the grieving individual's pain.  
• "It's time to get on with your life."  Sometimes grieving people don't want to move forward with their lives because they are afraid this will mean they are "forgetting" their companion, according to Helpguide.  Instead, validate your loved one's pain and sadness, and help her find ways to memorialize her companion.

Help with Reoccurring Chores: When someone is grieving, he doesn't have the energy to do all of the daily things that need to be done.  Help your loved one by doing his dishes, bringing him dinner, or mowing the grass.  However, don't touch his pet's things without asking.  This can be very upsetting to some grieving individuals.  I haven't been able to bring myself to move Jewel's things because they bring me (and Carmine) comfort, for instance.  Allow your loved one to handle his pet's things when he feels ready.

Continue to be There: Immediately after a companion animal passes away, friends and family are generally very supportive of the bereaved.  However, as the weeks and months pass, a lot of people get busy with their own lives and unintentionally forget about their loved one's grief.  Be the person who checks in on your loved one regularly.  Ask her how she's feeling, and, if you can, be there to support her on difficult days, such as holidays and anniversaries.  These days tend to be particularly difficult for the bereaved.  Knowing that you are there will help your loved one feel less alone and isolated.

Do you have any advice to add?